You know that feeling... the gut wrenching one that shakes your whole body and comes out of nowhere? It might happen during the happiest of moments, the most zen of moments, the most random of moments.
We all hear about PTSD and usually we (maybe just me) think of it when it comes to war veterans and heros. Yet it happens to everyone and anyone. This week, this 4th of July marked 5 years of the loss of my late husband, Scott. And this was the first year I personally experienced the whole.. PTSD ... thing.
It's the flashbacks and the experience of watching someone die (twice) and not being able to help them. Not being able to feel as if what you did was the right thing, was enough. Since his passing, one of his college roommates went through the same experience and HIS wife... saved him. Isn't that some shit to live with?
I never feel at fault, I never live with regret in anything I do or have done. It's never been my way and that's something I teach my girls all the time. Every moment is a learning experience, but that does not mean that some of the things we've done don't haunt us.
This year I started to suffer from constant headaches. Headaches that begin from the moment I wake up and don't end until I close my eyes. Endless doctor appointments, testing out different medications to see what may and may not help. Then the day to get an MRI came and WHOOSH. The anxiety attack in the waiting room happened. The flashback of him the hospital and all those memories flooded back out of nowhere, tears flooding and massive embarrassment in front of a nursing staff who doesn't need to deal with my trauma that day... had to.
It passed and then happened again and happens more than I'd like... but I find my own ways to control it. I have an incredible support system of family and friends. This part is massive. If you're like me, it's really difficult to ask for help. You don't need to all the time, but I find it really helpful to speak about the experiences I have and that's my way of asking for help... of talking about it and getting feedback. It's good.
But this is real life, this is part of grieving, this is okay and grammar doesn't matter right now. This is why I share these moments of reality, because the more we share the more we can all feel safe and not alone. There are so many of us out there who experience such moments that I've been privy to and that's been wonderfully amazing. I do it to encourage others to as well. The whole sharing is caring thing... that's real stuff too. Share your story, because someone else out there just might need to hear it too.